Remember that late afternoon, during break, you were sitting outside the class, watching them talk and laugh about something you know you wouldn't be interested in even if you knew.
Everyone had something to tell someone, something to laugh about, something to say, something to ask, and you were sitting there, quiet and observing. Remember how the breeze suddenly felt colder, your heart suddenly weighed a little heavier, and then faces seemed to fade and voices seemed to tune out. You realized then, in your space and quiet, that you had no friends.
No friends. Do you remember how you whispered those words to yourself, trying to remember how exactly during the last two years you ended up like this.
Do you remember wishing for a friend, just one friend.
She's waiting for me to say something. She wants to know if I'll be okay with it. I had forgotten what it feels like when your friend actually cares about how you feel, so I had taught myself to be nonchalant about everything, if anyone even cared enough to ask. What I didn't expect was her seeing right through it, asking me again, telling me to take my time and think about it. Is this what friends do for each other? Make sure the other doesn't feel bad, be okay with lying to someone if that meant your friend would be more comfortable. Tell me, because I might have forgotten what it is like to have a friend.
Now I have friends. No, not the casual 'friend' term you would use to refer to just about anyone you know. Real friends. Friends who would wait for you, who wouldn't want to go without you, who would take your side, who can read your face, who you can laugh with, who you have inside jokes with, whom you can trust.
And after all those years of being around people who think twice before offering you their water, this is more than I could have asked for.
~fay
