I dreamt of you yesterday. We were all in the school bus going somewhere for a test, which for some reason was called the KHDA test and that doesn't make sense because KHDA is the Knowledge and Health Development Authority in UAE, but you know how my dreams are all messed up and none of them ever makes sense. You were in school uniform, that shirt. Did I ever tell you that you look handsome even in that stupid uniform? And you had grown taller than I remember. And I remember feeling void, even in my dream, when you came in and I wouldn't make eye contact because- Well, because that's how it is now. And I don't know I half expected you to come talk to me, but you didn't. Because that's how you always were, weren't you? You'd never breach my comfort zone, never confront me in public. You were sweet enough to let me be, if that's what I had wanted. So you went over to the last seat and were sitting with your friends and prepping for the test. And I was nervous because the test and there was something which I wasn't good at, and I'm guessing it was probably math. Then I hear your voice in my head, saying "Ispe dua nahi karte, ispe kaam karte hain". You don't pray on it, you work on it. It sounded a lot more like a shayari - a couplet - when you said it. You were always good at that, you knew how to make me un-nervous, and even how to make it sound good. You were good at convincing people, at making believe that even the unthinkable is possible. Damn, you were good.
I had applied on an online magazine as a writer. I got selected. Yea, that's right. I can almost hear you in my head say, "See, I always told you, you are supposed to be a writer", or "Finally you are taking it seriously", and "I'm glad you're doing what you love". Only if you were here to actually say these things to me. I have told a few people, two or three, maybe. But it's not the same, is it? My friend said that now I am a 'Content Creator'. That sounds fancy, no?
I even got selected as a 'Staff Writer' for the university magazine. Remember that thing I had applied for, and I couldn't wait to tell you and I was sending texts and voice notes in the middle of I don't know what hour of the night. Yea, that.
I'm not so sure, mahn. I'm nervous. I don't know how good it is or how bad. And I'm so scared. I don't know if this is gonna work.
I had to tell you. I had to let you know. Because if I have the smallest trace of courage to get even one person to read a single word I wrote, then it's because of you. If there is one person whose voice in my head pushed me to press Send on that application mail, it was yours. If there's one person who I know would celebrate every syllable I wrote, then it's you. It's always been you. And like all the other things I ever wanted to tell you, this too I shall write.
~fay
