Sometimes I wonder if I am a bad person. I don’t know, because I really could be. Aren’t there a lot of people I have hurt with my harsh words and thoughtless actions. Weren’t there quite a few people who actually cared enough but I pushed them away. Hadn’t there been all those times when I could’ve handled matters a bit more carefully, but I didn’t because of some reason unknown. Now, they were never really intentional because of course I wouldn’t want to hurt anyone. But at the same time, I do say what has to be said, even if it might not be so pleasant. I do what I feel is right, even if it might not be approved of. Call me selfish, because I really might be. I wouldn’t risk my peace of mind for somebody else’s. Is that rude? It might be, I don’t know. Remember why mom said that day that I have a heart of rock. Because she doesn’t really understand what I had to go through. Yes, there might be a lot of people who’ve been through worse, but tell me how does that make it any less difficult for me.
Am I a bad person? Because I don’t want to be. Which does not mean that I’m not going to say or do things which have to be said or done, just because I’m worried that people won’t like it. Of course, I’m trying to be ‘more gentle’. I need to master how to be sweet but stubborn, honest but gentle.
I really might be a bad person, don’t you think?
True, I have not been a sweet candy for a lot of people. Oh my God, I haven’t been a sweet candy for anyone, at all. Or maybe, I’m not even supposed to be like that. Maybe I’m not the don’t-make-them-feel-bad-so-keep-quiet material. Maybe I’m supposed to be stubborn and strong, rudely honest and arrogantly indifferent. Oh, what an excuse.
But I’d like to think that I’ve been a good friend to a few. That I’ve listened when they needed me to, that I’ve done whatever necessary to help. That I can be a confidant, when they have lost trust. That I’ve been able to help them find their lost hope.
I might not be a sweet person, but I hope everyone who knew me would have only good thoughts for me, when I’m gone.
Which I doubt would be the case, now that I think of it.
~ fay
